Wiz Kids Ultimate Crossover
by optimusprime22
Summary: This is a fan fiction inspired by the Simpsons Tree house of Horror episode Wiz Kids, it is a cross over between Harry Potter, The Simpsons as 'Wiz Kids' and UBOs (ultimate book of spells) and my persona Oscar. Instead of being set at high school Harry and friends are in Primary/Grade school instead (Basically Hogwarts is a Primary/Grade school). our story begins at first grade.
1. Hogwarts

Chapter 1: Hogwarts

_This is a fan fiction inspired by the Simpsons Tree house of Horror episode Wiz Kids, it is a cross over between Harry Potter, The Simpsons as 'Wiz Kids' and UBOs (ultimate book of spells and my persona Oscar. Instead of being set at high school Harry and friends are in Primary/Grade school instead (Basically Hogwarts is a Primary/Grade school), It starts out with the main characters in Kindergarten working all the way up to 6th grade. Our first chapter takes place at the Dursley's._

"Harry Potter! Wake up this instant!" Shouted Aunt Petunia as she thumped the downstairs cupboard door with her knuckles. The Middle aged woman stood there impatiently wearing an apron and holding a wooden spoon and a frying pan, in her hair she wore hair curlers. She held her hands on her hips in disapproval as Harry stirred from his bed. There was a stampede of foot steps down as a small chubby boy ran halfway down the stairs and began jumping up and down on them loudly. "C'mon Hawwy wake up! Wake up already!" Yelled Dudley with glee. In the dark dingy cupboard was a tiny bed squeezed in there, dust fell on Harry's head as he woke up. There wasn't a lot of room, so Harry had to be careful not to bang his head. He blindly groped for his glasses and slipped them on, they were a cheap comically large pair with enormous round lenses, the bridge was held together with plasters because Dudley broke them one day by punching him in the face. Uncle Vernon refused to buy a new pair for him "What do you think we are made of money boy? you should be more careful!" his voice swam around in Harry's head. Harry carefully edged towards the mattress, the little boy's feet touched the hard wooden floor easily because of how low the bed was. Harry brushed away some of the dust of his pajamas, they were deep blue with green cuffs and were 2 sizes too big, as they crumpled up near his feet with his toes peeped out from underneath.

Harry turned the door knob and sleepily trudged out of the room. "Harry Hurry up, its you're cousin's birthday get in the kitchen and help me make breakfast!" Harry rubbed his eyes to wake himself up "Okay Auntie" he squeaked, Harry followed Petunia into the kitchen, his cousin Dudley stampeding past him and nearly knocking him over. "Well well 5 years old that's a big number my boy!" Beamed Uncle Vernon as he lowered his newspaper, the walrus like man smiled and embraced his son. "Wheres my presents!" Boomed Dudley quite rudely, "There in the living room Poppet" smiled Petunia as she kissed Dudley's cheeks, he squirmed in disgust and rubbed his cheeks "How many?" demanded Dudley. "uh 10 my boy" said Vernon, "10?! But I got more last year!" screamed Dudley. "Yes but some of them are bigger, and your aunt Marge hasn't delivered hers yet" quivered Vernon trying to calm Dudley who was having a tantrum. "Come on boy hurry up with that food!" boomed Vernon towards Harry. Harry was too short to reach the work top so he stood on a box as he helped fry the eggs, his glasses fogged up with steam as he carefully served the food evenly on to the plates, Petunia took them and served them. Vernon and Dudley greedily scoffed down their food. After they finished Vernon went back to reading his newspaper "We have another surprise for you Dudley, we're going to the zoo!" beamed Vernon "Yay! the zoo!" cheered Dudley. "And you better be on you best behavior boy!" Vernon lowered his paper and leered at Harry, his voice low and dangerous.

"Yes Uncle!" said Harry Quickly as he gulped down his toast. after breakfast Dudley tore opened his presents and threw a tantrum because he didn't get the video game he wanted, "I HATE YOU ALL!" he screamed and stomped upstairs. "Now come on Poppet we still have the zoo!" Cooed Petunia as she went upstairs to comfort him. Harry went back to his closet to get dressed, he put on his clothes with great difficulty but eventually he slipped on his underwear and socks, followed by his trousers and shirt and finally a jumper and shoes. he then went to the bathroom where Petunia helped groom the boys by brushing their and making sure they brushing their teeth. Dudley squirmed as Petunia wiped his face with a wet tissue and the family went outside and got in the car. before Harry got in Vernon stopped him and leered down at him to give him a lecture. "Remember my boy, any funny business, any magic tricks and you wont have any meals for a week!" he said dangerously as he held his pipe in his other hand. they then drove to the zoo. Once there they showed their tickets to the guard and Dudley stomped impatiently "C'mon! i wanna see the lions!" he screamed. they went and saw all the exhibits, they eventually arrived at the reptile section. They stood outside a tank with a Burmese Python sleeping in it, "Hey he's not doing anything! Make him do something Dad!" yelled Dudley. "Wake up!" yelled Vernon as he rapped his knuckles on the glass. the python lazily got up and looked at them before going back to sleep. the Dursleys went off to get refreshments leaving Harry by the python's tank. "I'm sorry they can rude like that" said Harry softly towards the snake, not expecting it to understand him. the snake rared up and looked at him as if it understood him. "Wow! you can understand me?" whispered Harry, the snake nodded. "I've never spoke to a snake before! Do you have any family?" asked Harry, the snake looked Glum and turned towards the sign saying "Burmese Python" with Latin in brackets below it. "Oh I see, Your all alone, I'm sorry" said Harry, but all of a sudden Dudley rudely shoved him out-of-the-way and knocked him off his feet. "Look Dad! Harry's talking to the snake!" he pressed his nose against the glass. suddenly the glass vanished and Dudley fell into the tank, he coughed and spluttered as the python slithered away, "Thankssssss" hissed the python although Harry thought he was imagining things. as Dudley got out of the water the glass reappeared trapping him. "Ahh help! Help!" he screamed frantically joined by his mother's cries. Harry giggled sheepishly but stopped as Vernon loomed over him.

After they got home, Vernon dragged Harry in by the scruff of his jumper and shoved him in the downstairs cupboard, "OW! It wasn't my fault! The glass vanished like magic!" whined Harry as the door slammed shut on him and he heard it lock. Vernon opened the grill "There's no such thing as magic!" he growled before shutting the grill. Petunia was cuddling Dudley who was shivering and wrapped in a towel. A few weeks later it was a normal day for the Dursley's but for Harry it was his birthday, he would be five today and about to start school in September. Unfortunately his family cruelly forgot. the letter box clattered as letters fell onto the door mat. Harry sifted through them, they were mostly bills except one which was formally labeled "To Mr Potter" in ink with a bright red wax stamp. inside it read "

HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore  
>(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,<br>Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall sig

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress" But before harry could finish reading it Dudley snatched it off him, "Look what Harry got!" he passed it to Vernon. Uncle Vernon read it with a look of concern on his face, "Hey give that back its mine!" squeaked Harry. "You will not be going to Hogwarts end of story! We already have a place for you at Dudley's primary school." Roared Vernon. "But I wanna go to Hogwarts! NO FAIR!" cried Harry. Vernon tore it up and they said no more about it. Later that day ten more Hogwarts letters came through the door followed by a flutter of wings and owls hooting. Vernon took them and threw them away, suddenly his wife Petunia cried out "Vernon look!" the washing machine began coughing up Hogwarts letters. they ran into the living room when suddenly millions of Hogwarts letters exploded from the fireplace and rained down on them. Petunia screamed and Vernon grabbed Harry as he scooped up the letters joyfully. Vernon then packed everyone's suitcases, "Wow are we going on holiday Dad?" piped Dudley. "Uh yes sort of, now hurry up and take your things boy!" he shivered passing a suitcase to Dudley. the family including Harry were bundled into the car and they drove as far away as possible, some owls watched them from the roof tops. that night they arrived at light house in the middle of nowhere, a storm was brewing and it was raining. "They'll never get us here" spluttered Vernon as he ushered his family indoors. "But what about our home Vernon?" wailed Petunia, "I don't know, I just Don't know!" groaned Vernon in frustration. they then got out their sleeping bags and went to sleep.

Later that night there was a loud thump at the door which woke Dudley up with a fright, Harry soon woke up afterwards followed by Vernon and Petunia. the thumping continued as if someone was trying to break down the door. "Whoever you are go away!" shivered Vernon as he brandished a sawn off shotgun. the door erupted from its hinges and fell to the ground, a looming silhouette stood at the door way illuminated by the lightning. the Dursleys screamed as the large figure entered the room, he then pulled out a lantern to illuminate himself, "Hullo 'arry!" the figure beamed. Before them now stood a giant of a man he wore a shaggy fur coat and had a shaggy beard of black hair and a mop of more black hair to match. "Who ever you are I demand you leave at once!" shuddered Vernon, pointing his gun. "Oh dry up Dursley you old prune!" muttered Hagrid as he grabbed the gun's muzzle and bent it up with his tremendous strength, the gun backfired making Petunia scream. "Oh and 'arry these are for you", he passed a large box inside was a large cake with messy pink icing topped crudely with "TO HARRY HAPPY BIRTHDA" in green icing. "Didn't think I'd forget your birthday uh 'arry?" he beamed. "cool thanks!" said harry as he put the cake on the table. he then opened the Hogwarts letter, and read it. "He will not be going!" shuddered Vernon defiantly "Oh and are you going to stop him!" Growled Hagrid making the Dursley's shiver. "I remember when Lily got her letter, Mum was so proud, Hmmph! then she had to get herself blown up!" muttered Petunia, "Blown up? You told me Mummy and Daddy died in a car crash!" scowled Harry. "A car crash? that's an outrage!" roared Hagrid, suddenly there was a loud munching noise of someone greedily eating, everyone turned to see Dudley wolfing down Harry's birthday cake, Hagrid scowled and pulled out his umbrella pointing it a Dudley who had his back turned. a spark erupted from the umbrella and Dudley lept up into the air and squealed clutching his backside. Petunia screamed when she saw a curly pink pigs tail growing from Dudley's butt. Harry giggled and Hagrid smirked in return "I would appreciate it if you didn't let Dumbledore Know about that, what with outside magic being forbidden you know..." he whispered. Harry nodded in agreement.


	2. We're off to see wizards!

_Chapter 2: We're off to see wizards!_

_Harry and Hagrid make their way to Diagon Alley to buy school supplies. The chapter title is a reference to The Wizard of Oz._

Hagrid got on his motorcycle and strapped on a helmet, Harry got on behind him and also put on a helmet. "Hold tight 'arry, it's quite a ride!" smiled Hagrid. the Motorbike choked and spluttered before roaring to life, fire jetted from the exhaust and the motor bike took off. Harry was surprised to see it take off into the air after it had a run up, and they both flew to London. They arrived at the Hog's head pub, Hagrid ushered Harry inside. "Oh hullo Hagrid, your usual?" the bar tender asked as he cleaned a glass. "Uh no I'm here with 'arry here and we need a room, its quite late ya see." as he exclaimed there was a sudden silence as everyone turned around to see Harry, the boy who lived. "Bless my soul its Harry!, look everyone its Harry! *Gasp!*" was the chorus of replies. the bar tender stood there frozen in shock. "C'mon 'arry say hello!" said Hagrid breaking the silence. "Um hello" said Harry, the customers crowded around Harry to greet him and shake his hands "Pleased to meet you harry, Pleasure sir, welcome 'arry" came the jubilant replies. suddenly the crowd parted as a nervous man with a purple turban walked forward. "Oh 'arry this is Professor Quirrel, he will be your defence against the dark arts teacher" explained Hagrid. "Hello sir" said Harry offering his hand, but Quirrel flinched away and quivered, "P-p-p-pleasure t-t-to m-m-meet y-y-you p-p-potter!" he stuttered. "C'mon 'arry it's late time to get to our rooms" Yawned Hagrid. "Oh of course, here you go Hagrid" added the bar tender quickly handing over the keys.

the next morning Harry and Hagrid had just finished breakfast and were sitting at the table in their room. "He gave me the scar, the man who killed my Mummy and Daddy" Squeaked Harry, brushing back his hair to show a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. "Arry, there's one thing you have to understand, not all wizards are good, some go bad and there was one who went as bad as you could go. He was called v- v-" Hagrid stopped he couldn't say the name, "Would it help if you wrote it down?" asked Harry. "No could never spell" sighed Hagrid absently. "He was called Voldermort", "Voldermort?" asked Harry. "Shhhh!" hushed Hagrid, Harry looked around puzzled. "Well you see Voldermort started gathering some followers, no one dared to challenge him you see as they ended up dead" Harry had a flashback of Voldermort breaking down a door with a green spell, suddenly a screaming mother was waving her arms at him and carrying a baby, she ran into another room and slammed the door. The door was blasted away with more green blasts of magic, then Harry saw the woman writhe in agony as Voldermort murdered her with a green lightning type spell. Finally Harry saw a baby in his cot look up fearfully at an unknown figure. He finally understood his parents deaths. "Oh dear, 'arry we better get to Diagon Alley!" blustered Hagrid.

_Since Harry is 5, he is a bit of a late bloomer, he still wets the bed so if you don't like my story don't read it and don't troll!_

Hagrid packed up their things as he went to make the bed he smelt a strong smell of Ammonia and saw a wet patch on Harry's bed, but Harry jumped in front of him and tried to hide the bed, he look ashamed and embarrassed. "Whats wrong 'arry? oh are you having accidents?" asked Hagrid, Harry nodded silently. "Don't ever feel ashamed 'arry, I wont get cross! come 'ere!" Hagrid said softly as Harry embraced him " Arry if you need help we'll have to take a step backwards, you'll 'ave to wear special pants at night" explained Hagrid, "I know what those are, Petunia won't let me wear them" said Harry. After getting cleaned and dressed, Hagrid went back to the bar, after handing in their key Hagrid took harry out the back. They stood in an alley way with a dead end, a brick wall loomed in front of them. Hagrid tapped the bricks with his umbrella, suddenly they began shifting and slotting out of the way, ad midst some grinding and scraping an archway appeared showing a cobbled street, they had found Diagon Alley.

Hagrid took Harry towards Gringotts Bank first as they needed some money. "C'mon 'arry we wizards use our own currency, so we'll need to go to Gringotts" they arrived in front of a large white building, the entrance was flanked with pillars and looked very important. They went inside, the bank was much larger on the inside and the room was filled with desks, at the desks were strange ugly creatures. "Hagrid what are they?" whispered Harry. "Oh they're goblins, very good at handling money" Hagrid stood at a desk manned by an elderly goblin with spectacles. the white haired goblin wore a pair of semi circular spectacles on his sharp pointed nose. The goblin's eyes bored into Harry "Yes sir?" he inquired. "Oh I'm here with 'arry here to withdraw some money." said Hagrid. "Names please" Asked the goblin in a bureaucratic tone. "Oh I'm Reubus Hagrid and this is 'arry Potter" explained Hagrid. "Ah Mister Potter, we've heard so much about you, right this way" the goblin answered fetching one of his colleagues. "Oh and this is from Dumbledore, its about the you-know-what and you-know-who" whispered Hagrid handing over a small bundle to the goblin. "Certainly sir" Rasped the Goblin.

Harry and Hagrid were guided to the vaults where a goblin waited for them, he eyed them disapprovingly. "Right this way Potter, into the mine cart!" he said in a bored voice, the inside of the vaults was like a huge cavern, there were train tracks everywhere, twisting and turning like a roller coaster. Hagrid and Harry got in, a bar flicked down and clunked into place to hold them in. "Hold on, we're in for a ride!" murmured the goblin. suddenly the mine cart took off like a rocket, it twisted and turned along the tracks and even had to corkscrew to avoid some barriers blocking a closed off part of the track. eventually they arrived at a bank vault, a formidable circular door stood in front of them, it had numbers on it. "Here we go Mister Potter, this is your vault" yawned the goblin as he let Harry and Hagrid out, they were looking very pale and sickly from the ride. the goblin opened the vault for them as the vaults were sealed with a special kind of goblin magic. the door creaked open and they were greeted by a bright golden light. Harry's jaw dropped, the vault was completely filled with mountains of gold, silver and bronze coins. "Didn't think your mother and father would leave you with nothing, eh?" smiled Hagrid, Harry stood there and admired his inheritance, it was sad that his parents had died so horrifically but at least they had time to leave him their money. "Go on Harry its yours now" said Hagrid, Harry went into the vault and took some coins and filed them into the sacks provided. When Harry was finished the locked the vault, then they took the journey back.

After they left Gringotts, they headed towards a childrens store, it sold toys for wizard children. Hagrid took Harry to the toiletry section, the shelves were stacked with bags labled with brand names like "Huggles" and had pictures of very young children on them, they were training pants. Harry blushed with embarrassment but he knew he needed to use them. Hagrid took down a large bag of potty training pants, they were like diapers/nappies but less puffy and didn't have sticky tabs on them, Hagrid explained you wore them like underwear to Harry. Meanwhile Harry looked through the toys, he saw a teddy bear he liked, it had brown and pale yellow fur and had a big black shiny nose, "Can I have this?" he asked Hagrid, "Of course 'arry it's your money" smiled Hagrid, as he paid the shopkeeper some Galleons and Sickles. Next they headed towards Ollivander's, the wand store. Harry went in on his own as Hagrid had to go and buy him something. Harry examined the store wandering where the shopkeeper was, suddenly a man on a ladder slide into view on one of those sliding ladders. "ah Mister Potter I've been wandering when you'd turn up" he said mysteriously. He took down a small box, it had a wand inside. "Try this one, go on my boy give it a wave" he encouraged. Harry did so, a near buy lamp shattered violently, "oh dear try this one" blustered Mr Ollivander. Harry waved it, suddenly there was a large explosion and Harry was covered in soot. "No certainly not" blustered the Shopkeeper taking the wand and handing over another. Harry held it and suddenly a mystical wind blew through him. "Curiouser and curiouser..." muttered Ollivander. "What is curious?" Asked Harry. "Well Mister Potter, it's not always known but the wand chooses the wizard, and I can tell you are destined for great things..." They were quickly interrupted by Hagrid tapping on the window, he was carrying a bird cage with a snowy white owl in it, the owl was screeching. Harry paid for his wand and left. "Cool an owl! I'll name her Hedwig" smiled Harry taking the bird cage, Hedwig nibbled his fingers affectionately. Next was Flourish and Blotts, the bookstore. Harry had to buy his school books, he got a copy of 'Standard book of spells' by Miranda Goshawk, Folio Brutiae a book on all of the dangerous creatures of the magical world and a potion book. He paid for them then the shopkeeper instructed him and several new wizards to try out the Flipendo knock back jinx in the backroom. the room had Flipendo blocks in it, the room was quickly filled with blue spells flying back and forth as the young wizards and witches zapped the blocks, the last block was harder as it was taller and needed a fully charged knock back jinx to push it. Harry waved his wand charging up its magic "FLIPENDO!" he yelled and a large blast of blue magic smashed into the block driving it into place.

The next few stores were uneventful, he went to the quill store to buy some quills and inks. Then he went to the potion store to buy a cauldron, a pester and morter, a knife and a grater. Next was the uniform store to buy his robes, the woman who owned the store measured Harry with a tape measure to get the right size for him, he paid for the clothes and left. after Harry was finished Hagrid told him when they had to leave for the train station, during the extra time Harry had he could do quests to help out. The Bank just so happened to need help as it had a fire crab infestation. "Mister Potter there a fire crabs in the vaults take the mine cart to sector 42b" Harry did so, during the dizzy ride in which he had to corkscrew past boarded up tracks and discovered the cart could detach and reattach to another track in mid air. Harry arrived in sector 42b, their were indeed many fire crabs crawling around, the creatures stopped to fart streams of fire at him, Harry ducked to avoid the flames then zapped them with Flipendo before following with Impendia to push them off the ledge to their doom.

Harry left the bank to join Hagrid, they went to Charing Cross Train Station where Harry needed to go to platform 9 and 3 quarters to get the Hogwarts express. He asked a steward if he knew where it was "9 and 3 quarters? are you having a laugh?" said the rough sounding man. Harry decided to ask someone else he spotted a middle aged woman with ginger hair guiding her children and pushing a trolley of suitcases. "Um excuse me How do i get onto..." asked Harry. "Oh to get onto the platform, don't worry dear its Ron's first day as well" smiled the lady addressing her children who were ginger as well. "You have to drive straight into the wall between platforms 9 and 10, Ron you go after Fred and George." continued Mrs. Weasely. Harry watched as Fred and George and then Ron disappear through the wall as they touched it. Harry soon followed he soon found himself on a new platform labeled '9 and 3 quarters' and there was a bright red steam train waiting, it was labeled Hogwarts express. Harry got on the train and watched as mothers and fathers said good bye to their children, He went into the nearest carriage and sat down, soon the train took off and made its way to Hogwarts.

Harry soon heard a knock at his cabin door, it was that ginger haired boy from earlier, he had spots and a pudding bowl hair cut. "Excuse me all the other cabins are full" he asked, Harry welcomed him in. "Hi I'm Ron Weasely" he greeted, "Hi I'm Harry Potter" said Harry, Ron's Jaw dropped he couldn't believe he was talking to Harry Potter the boy who lived. "Wow do you have that scar?" asked Ron hoping Harry wouldn't be offended, "Sure" Harry smiled and lifted his fringe showing a thunderbolt shaped scar on his forehead. "Wicked!" grinned Ron. The trolley lady then arrived "any one want refreshments?" she asked, "No thanks I've got lunch" said Ron solemnly pulling out some slightly squashed sandwiches. "We'll buy everything" said Harry fishing out a large handful of Galleons. "Wow" Gasped Ron. the trolley lady gave them everything that was on the cart and left. Harry and Ron dug into the feast, the sandwiches were left uneaten. Harry picked up a chocolate frog packet it was pentagonal in shape, "those are chocolate frogs, you get a card in them" said Ron. Harry looked at his it said Albus Dumbledore on it and had a moving picture. "Oh I've got 5 of him already, Look out Harry!" but it was too late, the frog jumped from his arms and lept out the window. "aww rats too bad". Harry then fished out a box of every flavoured beans, they were indeed every flavor as Harry got a bogey flavored one. "eeurgh! bogeys!" he cried.

Suddenly a girl turned up at the door, she had mousy brown hair and over biting buck teeth. "Hello, Neville Longbottom has lost his toad have any of you seen it?" she asked, they both shook their heads. The girl decided to introduce herself. "Oh you must by Harry Potter, I'm Hermione Granger" She said. "And you are?" she asked Ron as he was eating a cauldron cake. "Ron Weasely" he answered. "oh you do know you've got chocolate smeared just on your nose" explained Hermione pointing at her own nose. Ron quickly rubbed his nose on his sleeve. "Do you two know any magic yet? My brother discovered a spell to turn rats yellow!" grinned Ron, he picked up Scabbers his pet rat, Scabbers had his head buried in a packet of Bertie Botts every flavor beans. "This Scabbers by the way" said Ron, he cleared his throat to speak. "Sunshine, buttercup meadows, turn this stupid fat rat yellow!" the wand misfired and let out a weak spark, Scabbers squeaked in pain. "Was that a spell? well it wasn't very good Ron, here's a real spell" sighed Hermione. "Repario!" she said clearly and pointing her wand at Harry, suddenly his glasses repaired themselves and were as good as new. "There better?" smiled Hermione. "Cool thanks" said Harry, Ron just sulked.

All of a sudden a snooty blond little boy barged in followed by two larger, burly looking boys "Oh so this is the famous Harry Potter and his fan club!" sneered Draco. "Hey watch it Malfoy!" Threatened Ron brandishing his wand, but Hermione held his arm and silently mouthed "no his not worth it" Draco sneered and haughtily left the cabin followed by Crabbe and Goyle. "That's Draco Malfoy, watch out for him Harry" warned Ron, "Oh look at the time you two best get changed into your uniforms" gasped Hermione, Harry and Ron sighed and went to cabin's toilet to get changed.


	3. Gee wiz!

_Chapter 3: Gee Wiz!_

_This Chapter introduces Bart and Lisa, normally Bart is in 4th grade and Lisa is in 2nd grade, however in the Halloween episode Wiz Kids they're in the same year._

Bart was sleeping in bed when his Krusty the clown alarm clock went off, its drilling stirred him from his sleep. Bart yawned and sleepily put it on snooze mode "A wise one er? Get him boys!" Said the Krusty, the clock's face opened and Itchy and Scratchy popped out and began tapping him on the head with their mallets, this woke Bart up properly, annoyed he pushed them back into the clock. He then slid down the banister and joined his family for breakfast, Homer was already dressed and scoffing his breakfast, he quickly finished and kissed Marge goodbye as she handed him his lunch and ran off to work. Bart sat down and poured himself some Krusty-Os, unfortunately the was no milk "aww we're out of milk!" he whined, "Bovine Dairius!" said Lisa waving her wand, a jug of milk appeared and poured itself on Bart's cereal. "Hurry up kids you'll be late for school!" Said Marge. "not a problem Mom, Five minutes morius!" she zapped the clock and it ran backwards by 5 minutes. "Hrrrmm... thats not good for the clock!" mumbled Marge.

After Breakfast the kids got dressed into their uniforms and packed their school things. They had lots of books for charms, transfiguration, defense against the dark arts and potions. they went downstairs to say good bye to Marge and their baby sister Maggie, she handed over their lunches and chastised Bart for trying to smuggle in his prank kit and slingshot. They then caught the school bus, Otto had redecorated it to resemble the Magic School Bus. Bart was expected Ms Frizzle to turn up any second, he got on and hi fived Otto Mann, the Bus driver. "Hi little dude and dudedette!" said Otto he made sure no other kids on Bart's street were due to get on and closed the door, he took off the hand brake when Bart and Lisa sat down and drove to Springfield Elementary School for magic. Bart sat down next to his friend Milhouse Lisa sat down near Jenny. "Hey Bart what do you think wizard school is gonna be like" asked Milhouse "What do I care, it's still school it'll be boring!" sighed Bart. Nelson 'borrowed' Milhouse's wand and began zapping him with it "Stop zapping yourself! Stop zapping yourself!" he repeated. Eventually they arrived at school. Principle Skinner ushered them into the cafeteria which had been crudely reassembled to copy the grand hall in Hogwarts. even the food was cruddy compared to Hogwarts. Bart, Milhouse and Lisa sat down at a table and joined the rest of the pupils at the feast. the pupils were soon put into classes. Luckily Bart, Milhouse and Lisa were put in the same class, unfortunately so was Nelson so he would be able to continue zapping Milhouse. Principle Skinner delivered a speech before being shouted at by his boss Superintendent Chalmers, "SKINNER! enough of your dumb speeches, send the pupils to their dormitories!" yelled Chalmers. "Right away sir!" replied Principle Skinner, he had Jimbo, Dolph and Kerne direct the younger pupils to there dormitories, they were divided up into boys and girls. Bart said smell ya later to Lisa and joined Milhouse in the boy's dormitory, they picked a bed each and checked their suitcases for weekend clothes and pajamas, everything was just peachy so Bart put away his suitcase and headed of for class.

Their first class was transfiguration with Ms. Krabappel, Bart sat near Milhouse and Lisa, behind them was Nelson zapping Milhouse again. in front was a Harry potter expy (_How did he get there? 0_0!_) "Harry are you chewing gum?" muttered Ms Krabappel, "No Ma'am tis brimstone!" he breathed fire. "Alright today students you'll be learning to turn frogs into princes, you've all been given a frog" instructed Krabappel, Ralph then put his hand up "Sigh except Ralph has decided to eat his" Ralph had a frog squirming in his mouth. (_eeeewww!) _"Milhouse you first" she stood by Milhouses table. "Slimey, prince Limey" said Milhouse, his frog turned into a fat, medieval drunken Irishman "Well Hello luv, give us a kiss, then?" the man drunkenly slurred, "Eeugh, average! At least his human, just!" Krabappel gave him a B. "Now Lisa" Lisa waved her wand "Hocus Croakus!" she piped, her frog turned into a handsome British gentleman in a suit with a Union Jack vest. "Excellent, an A+! And we'll discuss your grade at lunch!" she winked at the prince, he stammered and laughed nervously. "Now Bart did you study or did your fairy godmother die again?" Krabappel was dreading Bart's performance. "I studied! errr Abra... turn into a handsome prince guy?" his wand backfired and his frog turned into a hideous mutant frog man that vomited over himself. "Please kill me!" he weeped. "Ha! Lisa is learning at an 8th grade level, you've sinned against nature!" Krabappel tutted giving Bart an F. once Krabbappel left Bart turned on Lisa. "You think your so great just because you've got magical powers!" yelled Bart rudely, but suddenly Lisa's prince stood in front of him "Step away from the lady!" he huffed. "Get in there an defend my honour!" yelled Bart picking up his frog mutant, he vomited green slime on the princes shirt causing him to cringe in disgust. "every moment my life is agony!" groaned the mutant between puking. "Bart! stop getting vomit on my prince! Head zeppelin!" she zapped Bart turning his head into a zeppelin and causing him to float up to the ceiling, everyone laughed at Bart's predicament.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Lisa she was being observed by Lord Montymort, actually Mr Burns who really wanted to be Voldermort and he had enough money and a good lawyer to do so. so take that J.k. Rowling! (_no offence i'm just writing what Mr Burns is thinking) _"Damn that girl, as more power and wizardry than Stevie Nicks!" (_I have no idea who that is, blame the writers of the simpsons) _"Slithers get over here" Mr Smithers as Nagini slithered over to Mr Burns. "Yes Lord Montymort?" hissed Slithers "I want you to capture that girl, I'm not getting squat from this yo-yo!" muttered Mr Burns who was now wearing a magic siphoning device that was draining magic from Ralph. "Hehe! Dying tickles!" giggled Ralph. meanwhile after class Bart went to the toilet and was washing his hands, he went to dry them but was sucked up the hand dryer and taken to Lord Montymort's lair. (_Damn it! that's just stupid Fox, put something more logical!) _He landed roughly on his butt and got up and dusted himself off, only to find himself face to face with Lord Montymort. "Cower before me, I am Lord Montymort!" Yelled Montymort trying to chew the scenery. "Yeah you're Mr Burns my Dad's boss" replied Bart defiantly, suddenly Homer walked in dressed as a death eater. "Um, Excuse me Mr Burns, can I get a larger robe this one's too small! Oh hi Bart!" stuttered Homer, he waved hi to his son Bart and wondered want he was doing in Mr Burn's lair. "Get back to work! Your ruining the drama!" shouted Mr Burns, Homer quickly left. "Any way you are going to help me capture your sister Lisa." beckoned Montymort, "and if I don't?!" Bart replied defiantly and crossing his arms. Montymort pointed at his wailing wall which contained the poor souls of people who disobeyed him, Bart looked horrified. "Krusty!" he cried noticing Montymort had captured Krusty the clown. "I've heard of the wailing wall but this is ridiculous!" lamented Krusty "Oh thanks alot! Worst pun ever!" moaned the other faces including Comic book guy.

"Okey dokey, what do you want me to do?" asked Bart, "How would you like to get revenge and humiliate your sister?" asked Montymort in return. "I'd like that very much" grinned Bart evilly. "Of course you'll be doing unspeakably evil things..." warned Montymort "Hey no backsies!" said Bart. That evening was the magical recital in front of everyone's parents. Milhouse was up first with his invisibility cape trick. "And now for my first trick the invisibility cape! he wrapped himself in a magic cape and dropped it, unfortunately it only made his clothes invisible so he was naked in front of everyone! "Oh no it's like my nightmares!" he then cried and ran off stage. Unbeknownst to him Harry had jinxed his cape "That'll teach you to copy my real invisibility cape!" smirked Harry before teleporting back to Hogwarts and no longer mucking up the story! Principle Skinner obliviated the audience with amnesia dust, he then announced Lisa Simpson but accidently implied the refreshments were made from corpses so he had to use the amnesia dust again. Meanwhile Bart backstage switched Lisa's wand with a liquorice twist sweet, he was being watched by Montymort as a dragon in his cage. Lisa took her wand not realising it was switched and walked on stage. the curtains lifted revealing the caged dragon. "Release the dragon!" Suddenly Hades jumped out of his seat and shouted "That's my line! and it's release the Kraken!"he was promptly dragged out of the hall. The nerd students Database and Ham opened the cage, the dragon slowly stomped out of the cage and breathed fire, startling the audience. "Oh no she'll be killed!" Gasped Marge, "My sweet little angel!" gasped Homer but he was to busy watching his portable TV. Lisa however was confident, she pulled out her wand and chanted "Dragonfly butterfly!" however nothing happened, she examined he wand only to find out she had been duped "A liquorice swizzler!" she growled, Bart giggled from behind the curtain. Suddenly the dragon turned into a giant Lord Montymort in a fog of magical smoke. "Shazbot!" gulped Bart, The audience ran out of the auditorium screaming, "Hey we stayed for your kids!" yelled Homer who was still in his seat. "Now Lisa Simpson, your powers are mine!" Gloated Montymort, he grabbed Lisa and put a magic siphoning cap on her and shook her to drain her magical energy, he sighed pleasantly as he absorbed her powers. "oh no this is all my fault! Lisa's in danger!" Lamented Bart, he had to help. Bart pulled out his wand and focused on a spell. "Prank be undone, destroy the evil one!" he yelled dramatically, unfortunately his wand didn't like him so the spell back fired and zapped him. "Ow! Not me you idiot!" he muttered covered in soot and now holding a broken wand. He shrugged his shoulders and ran at Montymort stabbing him in the shin. "No my enchanted shin, how did you know the source of my power?" groaned Montymort weakly in his death throes, he fell to the ground smashing the stage and shrunk down to normal size. "Wow thanks Bart you saved me!" smiled Lisa as she hugged her Brother. "No Mr burns! we'll be together in death..." cried Slithers as he swallowed Montymort whole. "eeeeew!" cringed Bart and Lisa in disgust.

"Never mind Bart, you might not be the best wizard but you're an okay brother" smiled Lisa as Bart handed her back her wand. "Thanks Lis, I'm sorry I nearly got you killed" replied Bart. They walked off together not knowing the leprechaun from 'Hex and the City' was riding on Bart's back laughing silently as the scene irised out like a cartoon. on the way home Bart lamented his wand got broken, "Don't worry sweetie we'll pop down to the shops to get another." said Marge, a road opened up from a wall and they drove down it. The road had many magic shops that only those with magic blood were permitted to visit, the family went inside. "Excuse me sir, My son needs a new wand" said Marge showing Bart's burnt out wand, "Oh well that's just great" mumbled the shopkeeper "Here make sure you look after this one!" he passed a black magicians wand with white tips to Marge and she paid for it. Bart took his wand and waved it, he conjured up a bunch of flowers. "Cool! then I'm a son of a witch!" Bart grinned, the family groaned at his pun.


	4. A Hocus Bogus Excuse

_Chapter 4: A hocus bogus excuse_  
><em>This chapter introduces the characters from the cartoon UBOs (Ultimate Book of Spells), Cassy, Gus the elf and Verne. the title is a reference to Verne coming up with a lame excuse for not doing his homework.<em>

Verne was being driven to school by his parents, "Did you make sure you've packed all your stuff Verne?" said his Dad. "yes Pop!" replied Verne, "Just Checking. You've got your books, your pencil case, your lunch, some spare clothes and pajamas because this is a boarding school..." Continued Verne's Dad. "Check, check, check, check and check!" replied Verne checking his school bag and suitcases. "Well good luck sweetie!" said his Mom as she kissed him goodbye, "Eeeugh! Mom! Not in front of everyone!" Blushed Verne, Gus and Cassy were snickering in the background. As his parents drove off Verne decided to try to make friends, "Heh! Sorry my folks can be real embarrassing, I'm Verne! And you are..." greeted Verne. "I'm Cassy" Said the gothic punk girl dressed in purple. "Well it's short for Cassandra, I'm a witch and my whole family have magical powers too." The blond elf boy wearing a green sweater and brown shorts put Verne in a headlock and gave him a noogie. "Aww good luck sweetie!" he said mockingly "Nah relax buddy, I'm just teasing. I'm Gus by the way, I'm also an elf, well half elf..." the trio high fived.

soon a red cat appeared and suddenly she turned into a large and stern looking woman who was wearing half moon spectacles. "I am Miss Crystalgazer, your headmistress, Now run along to your dormitories I'll be seeing you three in class later." she said formally. Cassy and Gus took Verne to their dormitory, along the way they passed many strange mythical beings. Verne noticed some trolls, some more elves, some vampires and even a centaur, he guessed they were students and staff at the school. Once they arrived at the dormitories Cassy said her goodbyes as the dorms were divided between boys and girls, "You'll be sleeping next to me buddy" said Gus pointing at the empty bed next to his own. "Cool thanks Gus!" smiled Verne as he unpacked his stuff. soon their many adventures would start.

Their first class was with Miss Crystalgazer, it was boring as they just read books and listened to her lecture about magic, Verne fell asleep at his desk but was quickly awoken by Cassy before Miss Crystalgazer caught him. Overall it wasn't a good day for Verne, on the way to the next class they bumped into Lucretia and Borgia a pair of evil vampire twins, they pulled faces and teased Verne for being a mortie before running off. "Don't worry about them they're just jerks. Their father used to work for Zarlak before he defected so he wouldn't get punished after Zarlak's defeat." explained Gus. "Who's Zarlak?" asked Verne but Cassy hushed him, "The most evil wizard in the world, until a brave wizard defeated him and sealed him in the earth's core." "Core blimey!" said Verne before receiving a clonk on the head from Gus annoyed at his pun. "Well whats a mortie?" asked Verne, "A mortie is wizard or witch who's parents have no magical powers" explained Cassy "and they're usually normal humans too, basically you're a mortal Verne" added Gus. "Does that make you Immortal then? You can live forever?" asked Verne. "Yep! But its not so hunky-dory, living forever gets boring after a while." answered Gus.

_The magic really begins on this bit, UBOs isn't as dull as you'd think they have age regression spells and clowns!_

Their next class was more amusing, the teacher was a handsome tall man, his subject was charms and transformation magic. "Welcome class today we're learning about the age regression charm, this is for all you jokers in the class" he explained putting emphasis on 'jokers' as the vampire twins were summoning paper planes and flying them. "It allows you to turn others or yourself into a helpless infant, very useful but not perfect as there are many counter spells." he finished explaining while drawing a stick figure pointing a wand at a baby. "Any volunteers?" Suprisingly only Gus and Cassy put their hands up, Verne reluctantly joined in. "Good Verne watch as I demonstrate" said the teacher, he zapped Gus and Cassy, before his eyes Verne watched as Gus and Cassy shrunk and became babies again, their clothes vanished and were replaced with white diapers with yellow sticky straps. "Yay! I'm a baby again! Goo gah!" gurgled Gus, Verne just rolled his eyes sarcastically "How is that fun? Real mature guys..." he replied. "Now Verne's turn!" cooed Baby Cassy. "come on Verne try the spell" said the teacher, Verne waved his wand which looked like a radio antennae above his head. Suddenly he shrunk down to a 5 year old, he was shorter and his nose got bigger (Verne has a big nose!) "Wow it worked!" Squeaked Verne "Hey my voice is squeaky!" he added. "Yeah Verne that's 'cos you're a widdle boy now!" gurgled Gus. "Yes the spell has different magnitudes you don't have to age someone all the way to baby but just to be sure..." the teacher grinned and waved his wand, age regressing Verne further, now he was a baby too with a matching diaper and a blue pacifier in his mouth.

"Aww gee! Turn us back!" whined Baby Verne, blushing as he felt his diaper get wet. "Don't worry I will as soon as you understand the effects of this spell." suddenly there was a loud splodge as Verne soiled his diaper. "Eeeew! Verne made a poopy!" groaned Gus holding his nose in disgust. "Now do you see the point? Lets change you out of that dirty diaper" explained the teacher, he smirked and used the diaper changing charm to change Verne's diaper. "Yes sir, now can we change back pweeeeease!" squeaked Baby Verne. the teacher waved his wand restoring their usual ages and their clothes. He then assigned homework and dismissed the class.

"Turning people into babies? what other crazy stuff do you learn here?" moaned Verne, as they headed to the cafeteria for snacks. "Oh you'll see Verne poo!" giggled Gus. "Hey I couldn't help that! I was only a baby!" whined Verne. After break was their next lesson, Miss Crystalgazer took out a large and very old tome, it had a face on it, the book spoke. "Good afternoon class! I am the ultimate book of spells, now who would like to go on an adventure?" as soon as he asked Cassy, Gus and Verne stuck up their hands. "Good, step into the portal you three!" answered UBOs the talking book, a green swirling portal appeared next to him. Cassy, Gus and Verne stepped through the portal, they found themselves in a putrid swamp. "Eeew! well it beats listening to another boring lecture!" whined Verne as swamp water dripped from his trainers. Suddenly he felt something crawl up his trousers and into his t shirt. "ahh somethings in my shirt!" he yelled, Gus helped him pull out the mysterious creature, it was a one eyed pink swamp slug. "Its just a swamp slug!" teased Gus, he put the creature down, however suddenly it grew in size and became extremely agressive, the slug growled at them. "Oh no, now we have problems guys!" explained Cassy brandishing her wand. The boys pulled out their wands too, all three of them zapped the slug but it just made it angrier. they ran into a cave with the slug chasing them, it got stuck briefly but smashed its way through the rocks. Verne tripped and dropped his wand breaking it "Oh no my wand!" he lamented as sparks buzzed from the broken ends, suddenly he had an idea. he plunged the electrified wand parts into the slug, frying it alive! The slug screamed in anguish as it erupted into flames. "Okay that was a little extreme Verne..." cringed Cassy, "Come on guys, UBOs showed me what we came for, it was this swamp herb, lets get outta here!" explained Gus as they ran for the portal back to school.

That night Verne was fixing his wand, he managed to put it back together again. "Wow you're quite the technician!" smiled Gus, who was laying on his bed in his pajamas doing his homework, soon it was time for bed and they went to sleep. The next day they went on an adventure to find their mana fairies, to learn more magic. The trio found themselves in a cave filled with little cages, in the cages were blue and pink fairies that oddly resembled them, Verne went over to a cage of Vernes. "Hey here's a fun spell for ya!" squeaked a blue fairy, suddenly in a puff of magic he vanished and a cartoon clown riding a banana car appeared, he honked his horn and drove away. "Cool Clown spell! I wanna be a clown!" Verne waved his wand and turned into Clown Verne! His t shirt and trousers were replaced with a greeny blue spotted clown onsie with frilly cuffs on the wrists and ankles, on his feet were red rubbery over sized shoes, on his head was a green nightcap with a pompom and finally on his neck was a yellow tudor ruff with a red rubber clown nose to top it off. "Ha nice costume Verne!" snarked Gus, Verne then changed back to normal. They explored a cavern when suddenly Rowce and Snerrot stood in their way. "This is the end for you three," they laughed, "Oh two dinky little dragon things I'm so scared!" taunted Verne sarcastically, suddenly the two dragons merged into one big two headed one. "Now you should be scared little one!" he roared and breathed fire at Verne and his friends. Verne jumped out of the way and desperately zapped Rowce and Snerrot's combined form, only for it to have no effect. "Oh bummer! I'll have to try something else!" he moaned. Verne turned himself into a clown again. "Oh goody a clown, Make us laugh clown or die!" sneered the dragon. "ok here goes" Verne tried to summon his banana car but all he got was an ordinary banana, "Hehehe! tough luck clown!" snickered Rowce. Verne tried to perform a back flip but slipped on the banana and fell on his back. "Gahahahaha!" the dragon laughed hysterically and copied Verne, throwing himself into the air and landing on his back. Verne got an idea and summoned some hoses, Rowce and Snerrot split apart and played with the hoses, they squirted mud at each other and seemed too busy having fun to notice Verne and his friends make their escape.

The next day a new boy joined Verne and Gus's dorm, he was a mortie like Verne but had a powerful dark side. He had big spikey brown hair and wore green swimming goggles to hold it up, his usual clothes were a blue home made jumper with green triangles, brown shorts and blue converses with his socks folded down into a bunch at his ankles. "Hi I'm Oscar" he greeted them and they introduced themselves in return. "Nice hair Oscar" Snickered Gus, it was ginormous and spikey, like he had a porcupine on his head. "Any way you've got to catch up as you missed a few days." explained Verne. "No probs I already have." smiled Oscar. suddenly his head burned and a sinister voice spoke to him "KILL! MAIM! TEAR!" it boomed but only Oscar could hear it. "ow leave me alone!" he whined clutching his head. "Er who are you talking to Oscar?" asked Gus getting slightly spooked. "Eh nothing its gone now, hey do you guys know any cool spells?" said Oscar quickly changing the subject. "Yeah sure I learned this spell yestereday, hope you're not scared of clowns!" grinned Verne. he turned into a clown with his green spotted clown onsie, red shoes and a night cap. "CLOOOOOWNN!" squeaked Oscar happily he jumped on Verne and began honking his red rubber nose, it squeaked as he did so. "Ungh ok you must really like clowns buddy! Now can you please get off?" grunted Verne as squeaks and honks filled the dormitory. "I love clowns!" giggled Oscar in a silly voice. he zapped himself into a clown as well. His brown hair was now green and divided into to two tufts, he had a yellow and red spotted costume and a red ruff, on his feet were blue clown shoes and finally on his nose was a round shiny rubber clown nose. Oscar poked his own clown nose and was making noises. "Uh Verne? don't you notice something odd about him?" whispered Gus, "Like what? him talking to himself?" asked Verne. "Uh no, he's really obsessed with clowns..." answered Gus. "Aww lay off him, he just likes them that's all." grinned Verne.

"Oh I can do more than turn into a clown..." Smirked Clown Oscar, he waved his wand again and this time he shrunk down in size and got younger, his clown suit changed into a spotted top and instead of bottoms he had a big poofy white diaper. "Ok now you're a baby clown, where are you going with this?" asked Gus. "I is not finished!" whined Oscar in bad grammar, he zapped himself again and he grew giant size, the dorm was a bit too small for him now. "I'm a giant baby now! you be my toys!" grinned Baby Clown Oscar, dribbling slightly "Uh no, I'll pass." gulped Verne. "I didn't give you a choice!" whined the giant baby clown Oscar, he grabbed Verne and Gus in each of his hands which were wearing baby mittens. "Hmmm what to do with you two..." he smirked deviously as they struggled. "I know you can go in my diaper Gus" He shoved Gus in his diaper as he spoke, Gus wriggled around in there stretching the diaper. "And you Verne, its booger time!" grinned and shoved Verne into his nose, Verne made the mistake of holding his hands out in protest and ended up shoving them up Oscar's shiny blue nose. Ker-splat! His hands sank into the slimey mucus. "Eeeeugh! boogers!" he cried in disgust, he tried to withdraw his hands but the snot was too gooey, it stretched like rubber every time he struggled. this was going to be a long day for Gus and Verne.


	5. The sorting hat

_The Sorting Hat_  
><em>Harry, Ron and Hermione arrive at Hogwarts and are sorted into their houses and they start their adventures in Hogwarts!<em>  
>After changing into their uniforms, Harry and Ron sat down and waited for the train to complete its journey, Ron was not happy with his uniform it looked geeky and was second hand, there were patches sown on to cover up rips and tears. Soon they arrived at Hogwarts lake, in Hogsmede, the train whistled and stewards helped the children get off the train. Harry was then reunited with Hagrid. "Hullo 'arry! I'm the school groundskeeper and the keeper of the keys" smiled Hagrid, "Hi Hagrid!" said Ron and Hermione. Hagrid then guided them to the boats, it was now night time so he was holding a lantern, there were also lanterns on the little rowing boats, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Neville were sorted into a boat, the flotilla of boats sailed towards an imposing island with a grand castle ontop, they headed towards a cave and in that cave was a dock for them to disembark their boats. Hagrid then guided the children up a staircase into the school grounds.<p>

The mass of pupils were soon greeted by Professor McGonagall, the stern woman was dressed in green and she had spectacles on her face. "Good evening children, welcome to Hogwarts. I am Professor McGonagall, I'll be teaching you Transfiguration this year. Our school has a few rules, break them and you will be punished! However good behavior will be rewarded with house points, the house with the most at the end of the school year wins the house cup. And-" McGonagall's lecture was soon interrupted by Neville crying out "Trevor!" before pushing through the crowd and scooping up a toad that was hopping along absent mindedly. "Sorry!" he stammered, Mcgonagall just looked at him disapprovingly before continuing talking about the rules and sanctions. "No pupils are permitted to wander the corridors at night, anyone caught faces a deduction in house points or even detention! The Third floor corridor is strictly Forbidden!..." Eventually she finished and guided the new pupils to the great hall. The great hall was massive, there were four long tables each for the pupils and a table at the back for the teachers and staff, There appeared to be no roof as Ron could see the night sky. "That's just a powerful charm Ron, it's only an illusion" Explained Hermione. "Children you will sorted out into your houses, you will each take a turn to be picked out by the sorting hat and then you will sit at the designated table." instructed McGonagall. Many pupils were sorted, Draco was sorted into Slytherin much to his joy, Crabbe and Goyle soon joined him. Neville was put into Gryffindor, but when he was dismissed he nearly took the hat with him, everyone giggled. Next was Hermione, she was also sorted into Gryffindor, she silently mouthed 'Thank you!' to herself. Next was Ron, as soon as the hat was placed on him it boomed "Ahh another Weasely, GRYFFINDOR!" he was greeted jubilantly by his older brothers Fred and George. Finally it was Harry's turn, the hat had some difficulty sorting him, "Hmmm, you show great courage and eagerness to learn, you'll do good in Slytherin..." mumbled the hat, "Not slytherin! Not Slytherin!" whispered Harry loudly, "Not Slytherin Hey... better be, GRYFFINDOR!" boomed the hat. Harry sighed in relief and joined his friends, Draco scowled and thumped the table. (I'm not sure why he'd want Harry in Slytherin.)

Soon Dumbledore delivered a long and boring speech, then he introduced the members of staff, at the table he was flanked by Professor Snape, the potions master, he was a stern man dressed in black with long greasy black hair, Ron shivered, he gave him the willies. Next was Professor McGonagall the Transfiguration teacher, she was dressed in green. Then Professor Sprout, a short jolly lady wearing an apron and garden gloves, she was in charge of Herbology. She was followed by Professor Flitwick the charms tutor, he was a dwarf of a man with a wispy white beard, he always had his lips pursed in mid gasp. Finally on the right was Professor Quirrel the new Defense against the Dark arts teacher, He had a purple turban on his head and stammered when he spoke. Dumbledore also introduced Madame Pomfrey the school nurse, Reubus Hagrid the groundskeeper and finally Argus Filch the janitor, Filch was holding a cat in his arms. "And now may the feast begin!" Dumbledore boomed, suddenly the tables were filled with food, their were all kinds of luxurious and delicious food including the likes of vol au vents, a platter of chicken drumsticks and wings and so on. Harry had never seen such food before (apart from having to watch his family scoff food in front of him while he was left with scraps), he gleefully filled his plate with food.

As they all ate, phantoms and spirits soon joined the party, the ghosts flew about teasing the students and flying through the tables. "Don't be alarmed children, the resident ghosts mean you no harm!" Explained Dumbledore, the pupils didn't mind and actually found the ghosts funny. the slytherins were entertained by the playful Bloody Baron who swiped his cutlass in a show of swordsmanship, the Fat Friar popped up out of the Hufflepuff table, "Boo!" he cried gleefully. Harry and his friends were greeted by Nearly headless Nick, "Nearly headless? How can you be nearly headless?" scowled Ron disbelievingly, "Like so..." explained Nick, he pulled back his head which was only still attached by a few tendons, exposing the blood, flesh and gore. the Gryffindors screamed in disgust and Neville was nearly sick. soon the feast ended and Dumbledore motioned it was late and instructed the prefects to direct their houses to the common rooms. Harry's house were guided by Percy Weasely to the Gryffindor common room on the seventh floor. "Hello Harry!" he beamed "And Fred and George, no misbehaving this year! I know all your tricks..." he gave his twin brothers a stern look, Fred stuck his tongue out at him and George charmed his prefect badge to say 'Pin Head' instead. "Capult Draconis!" said Percy loudly to the Fat Lady painting, the paintings in Hogwarts were magical and could talk and move. "Certainly, in you go!" sang Dawn French as the Fat Lady painting.

Percy instructed them towards the boys and girls dorms, the group were split up into boys and girls respectively and went to the appropriate dorms. The boys picked out their beds, Harry was happy to be greeted with a four poster bed with curtains. He unpacked his things and made himself at home. Soon it was time for bed, Harry stripped down to his undies and picked out a pair of training pants, they had stars with smiling faces on them and little brown furry cartoon characters with red shiny noses. "Oh don't worry Harry, I've got to wear them aswell..." said Neville, he was also wearing a pair of night pants. "Thanks, Neville do you mind giving me some privacy while I get changed though!" blushed Harry, "Oops sorry!" blushed Neville. Harry took off his underwear and slipped on the training pants (or 'Huggies[tm]') they felt soft and comfortable and were stretchy, he twanged them before putting on his pajamas.

The next day their lessons started, Harry was already dressed and joined Ron and Hermione in the common room. Lee Jordon was showing the girls his pet tarantula, they screamed when he opened a small cardboard box, a few furry legs poked out as the spider shuffled around in there. "oh good morning Harry and Ron, we've got charms today, hurry up and pack your things" Hermione greeted them, they groaned and packed their books, quills and inks, they also picked up their wands. they soon arrived at the classroom after navigating the moving staircases, then they had to deal with a room of floating tables garnished with an earwax flavored Bean each. The classroom was lined with long benches arranged in tiers with stairs to move between tiers. at the front was a podium, Professor Flitwick stood at the podium on a pile of books. "Good morning class, please sit down" the children did so. "Today you'll be learning the levitating charm 'Wingardium Leviosa' before you is a feather, try to levitate it please." the class tried it out, Ron was waving his wand infuriatingly as it would not work, "no Ron you'll have someones eye out! It's a swish and flick, and it's not wingardium levioser its wingardium leviosa!" she tried to tell him. Harry's bench erupted with an explosion after Seamus's wand backfired and incinerated his feather, everyone jumped in suprise even Flitwick. "Oh dear, Harry please demostrate to Seamus" asked Flitwick. "Wingardium Leviosa!" chanted Harry, his feather glowed with yellow light and began hovering. "Excellent, 10 points to Gryffindor!" smiled Flitwick. "Now Harry please retrieve the wingardium spellbook to complete your training." a painting moved aside to reveal a door way and Harry egressed into the door way. He soon entered a Zelda-esque dungeon, he was in an ante room with four podiums and four hourglass shaped statues, 2 of which were already placed in their correct places. Harry used the Wingardium spell to place the other two on their spots, the imposing door soon unlocked and he moved on. the next room had the floating tables of doom again but with added suits of armor, as Harry jumped from table to table collecting beans the knights swiped him with their pole arms, "ow! Blooming magic suits of armor!" he zapped them with flipendo.

Next he found himself in a room full of fire crabs, he flipendoed them and then used wingardium leviosa to float them into the pit surrounding the room, after a corridor he entered a room populated with imps and cages to put them in. Harry stunned the imps and carried the imps to their cages, once they were all locked away he was rewarded with a small key and unlocked the nearby locked door. the small side room contained a treasure chest, the chest contained a wizard card which Harry took for no reason! several more rooms passed with pointless puzzles, Harry sighed after solving the floor panel of doom room after finally working out the order of the floor panels to step on. Finally he was greeted with an extravagant door and went through it, he found himself in a large hall with gargoyles, Unknown to him a mysterious figure hexed one of the gargoyles bringing it to life, Harry was menaced by a large pig like gargoyle! Enter Sinister Gargoyle boss of videogamer's lament!

"oh great! I guess I'll have to fight this weird monster..." moaned Harry as the Gargoyle boss squealed at him. The boss attacked by diving at him but Harry dodged it and zapped it with flipendo, the fight continued till Harry killed the boss and hovered it back to its podium. He soon found what he was looking for, the spellbook on a lectern he read it and suddenly a beam of light shone from the book and poured into his wand. He did a stupid pose like Link does in Zelda, "Tatata dah! I learned Wingardium Leviosa!" he yelled to no one. "Ok that was blooming stupid, I'm never doing that again!" he face palmed.

_Sorry for the rampant videogame references, they're just a reference to the dreaded playstation one harry potter game! Fear it's blocky graphics and linear gameplay!_

After class Harry and Ron chatted as they headed to their next class, "Its not wingardium levioser its wingardium leviosa!" said Ron mocking Hermione, unknown to him Hermione pushed past them sobbing and clutching her books. "I think she overheard you Ron" muttered Harry. their next class was with Madame Hooch, the silver haired lady glared at them with golden owl like eyes. "Good morning class, today you'll be learning how to ride a broom, since first years aren't allowed their own brooms you've been provided with one." she explained. The children stood in a line with brooms in front of them. "Nowput your hands out and summon your broom!" They did so smoothly except Ron, whose broom decided to smack him in the face, everyone giggled as he clutched his nose. "Pay attention class! Now mount your broom like so" Everyone obediently mounted their brooms. "Nevielle! get back here at once!" she demanded as Neville's broom went out of control, "I can't professor! it's got a mind of its own!" he stammered as the broom tossed him about, finally he lost his grip and was sent plunging to the ground in a heap. "Nobody move!" demanded Hooch, she ran up to Neville who was quietly weeping and clutching his arm. "Oh dear a sprained wrist! Lets get you to the nurse. Nobody move, if I catch anyone flying you'll be expelled faster than you can say Quidditch!" she took Neville to the nurse. "Hey Potter look what Neville dropped!" smirked Malfoy, he was holding a remberall, the glass sphere with a golden ring was clutched in his hand. "Give that back Malfoy!" shouted Harry. "Come and get it!" laughed Malfoy as he flew off on his broom. Hermione stopped Harry "No don't! You heard Madame Hooch, you'll be expelled!" she hissed, Harry pulled himself free and took off after Malfoy. "Boys, what idiots..." she muttered to herself. Harry chased after Malfoy, weaving in and out of the archways and around the towers. "C'mon Potter! Slowcoach!" sneered Malfoy, Harry rammed him "Oof ouch! You'll regret that!" Malfoy bashed into him but dropped the rememberall in the struggle. Harry dived for the rememberall and caught it, they both landed safely. "Fine have the stupid thing!" said Malfoy in a huff. Suddenly Professor McGonagall appeared, "Potter come with me please!" she said stearnly. "Oh dear now Potter's in trouble!" taunted the Slytherins.

McGonagall took Harry to Professor Quirrel's classroom, he was holding a bearded lizard while lecturing. "Sorry Professor, may I have a word with Oliver Wood?" asked McGonagall, Quirrel nodded and excused Oliver from class. "Oliver allow me to introduce Harry Potter, the new Gryffindor seeker!" she smiled, Harry sighed in relief as Oliver Wood shook his hand. "Pleasure to meet you Harry, I'll be seeing you after lessons for Quidditch practice" smiled Wood. "Gee thanks" blushed Harry. "Run along now Potter!" smiled McGonagall. Harry caught the end of flying class, they were flying through magical rings. "Good work class! Hand in your brooms please" instructed Madame Hooch. Next was break time then Herbology. Harry, Ron and Hermione headed to the main doors but were stopped by Malfoy and his cronies. "Not so fast Potter! its payback time!" he yelled. Harry fought another boss battle against Draco with exploding fire crackers, Crabbe and Goyle spiced things up with super fire crackers that exploded instantly and could not be thrown back. Eventually Harry kicked Malfoy's behind and sent him running. "I'll get you for this!" he sneered, he had also left behind the fire crackers and super fire crackers, Ron took them and did a Zelda pose. "Whoopee! I got the fire crackers and super Fire crackers!" he cheered. Harry and Hermione rolled their eyes. "Come one we'll be late!" said Hermione. they headed outside and towards the green houses, along the way a boy standing near the wells called them to help find his kitten that had fallen in. "Sorry we've got class!" said Harry. They then entered a court yard with flipendo blocks, they had to arrange them in a staircase which they did so and were rewarded with blueberry flavoured beans.

In greenhouse 2, Professor Sprout started her class, "Good morning class, Today we will be handling Bouncing bulbs, I'll be also teaching you the Incendio spell, or a variation of it used to tame plants." She plucked out a bouncing bulb from the vegetable patch, it bounced everywhere and even knocked over Neville. "Incendio!" said Sprout clearly as she aimed her wand at the bouncing purple eggplant. a jet of green flames erupted from the ground and made the bulb wither and shrink till it was no bigger than a regular sized eggplant. She picked it up and put it in a box. "Now you try Potter" Harry waved his wand, "Incendio!", the bouncing bulb shrank and hopped away. "Good 5 points to Gryffindor!" smiled Professor Sprout. "Now go into gardens and get the spell book", Harry headed through the door way the bulb was blocking. He had to navigate around the greenhouses, the main one was guarded by horklumps, Harry ignored the bristly creatures and headed off to the gardens, "Wait Harry!" called Ron and Hermione, "We've been sent to help!" answered Hermione, "Good lets split up to find the book" said Harry, they then took different paths. Harry found himself in a menagerie set up by Hagrid for all the dangerous creatures and plants of Hogwarts. Harry read the sign "Gnomes, stun them then give them the highland fling!" it read. Harry zapped them then picked one up its ankles, the filthy creature was covered in dirt and mud like a potato, he swung around and tossed it as far as he could. once he was done he was reunited with Ron in the puffskien room. "Look Harry! Puffskiens! I used to have one, before George used it for bludger practice." he explained. Harry read the sign "Puffskiens, hungry friendly creatures, they're very cuddly but careful! They like to eat bogeys!" "What does it mean by that?" asked Harry as he picked up the fluffy squeaking yellow ball of fur. "Eeeeurgh!" cried Harry as it stuck its long black slimey tongue up his nose and slurped up his boogers! "Cool! gross!" laughed Ron. Harry headed to the next courtyard, there were more puffskiens, airvents and spikey bushes. There were also high up ledges that couldn't be reached. "How do we get through here?" asked Ron, Suddenly the puffskien following Harry hopped over to the spikey bushes and devoured them. as it ate blueberry beans appeared, eventually the creature got too fat and got stuck in an air vent, this redirected air to the main one. "I got an idea! Here puffskiens!" he lured them to the spikey bushes and once they ate them he stuck them in the air vents. the main vent was now producing a strong enough blast of air to levitate them to the door._  
><em>

Next they found them selves in a garden with several paths, one was blocked with a log and another with flailing roots, Harry took the only other path and was confronted with a venomous tentacula, its flailing roots blocked the only way out. "Look out! the venomous tentacula is highly poisonous!" warned Ron, the plant waved its short tentacles and spewed lots of spikey seeds that bounced everywhere. Harry zapped the seeds blasting them to pieces, the plant's vines grabbed Ron. "Ungh! Help!" he grunted as vines wrapped round his ankles, wrists and waist. "Incendio!" cried Harry, the plant shrieked as it was consumed by green flames. The vines released Ron and the flailing roots retreated. Harry went to the next room which was occupied with green horklumps, these type of horklumps had to be levitated with wingardium leviosa to pluck them from the ground. Harry used wingardium and the wriggling green mushroom floated in the air, blueberry beans burst out of its roots and Harry quickly took them before the horklump could. Ron made notes from the sign into his folio brutae. Next they reunited with Hermione "Good news boys, I found the book but we need to deal with some horklumps. Dumbledore greeted them, "Ahh horklumps, most annoying but peculiar creatures, my great aunt once caught her fiance fondling the creatures, quite why anyone would want to is beyond me!" The trio shrugged their shoulders and flipendoed the spikey ball like objects, Harry picked up a stunned horklump and threw it, it made choking noises at it broke up into pieces. the next room was filled with pufferpods. "Pufferpods, they make trolls sneeze!" at the end of the room was of course a troll, it was patrolling some vents. "I know what to do" said Harry, he picked up a pufferpod and threw it at the troll as he passed a vent, "AH-CHOOOOO!" he sneezed loudly, sending the vent lid flying and he plunged down to the sewers below. "Good now the book Harry." Harry took the incendio book and read it. "Cool! now I learnt incendio, the green version" he did a quick fist pump and they returned to the school grounds.

Next was potions class with Professor Snape, which Ron was dreading. They headed down to the dungeons, past the Slytherin common room and through a room full of floating books and troll bogey flavored beans. they stunned the books and used them as platforms to reach the door. finally they arrived at Snape's classroom, Once everyone sat Snape explained his class. "You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making. As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even put a stopper in death — if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach." Harry was busy writing in his exercise books "Of course some people would rather not pay attention!" he snarled, Hermione prodded Harry to get his attention. "Ah yes, Harry Potter - our newest celebrity..." he said curtly "Tell me Potter, where would I find a bezoar?" Harry was perplexed and unable to answer, meanwhile Hermione's arm shot up immediately. Snape ignored her and continued to test Harry "Fine what use would I find for asphodel and wormword?" Harry remained silent as Hermione looked increasingly desperate to answer the question. "What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?" Harry sat there confused "I don't know Professor..." he explained. "For your information, Potter, asphodel and wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the Draught of Living Death. A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat and it will save you from most poisons. As for monkshood and wolfsbane, they are the same plant, which also goes by the name of aconite." Muttered Snape "Next time pay attention!" he sorted out the practical for the class. "Today you will learning to make the Wiggenweld potion, a stamina restoring potion, Potter, Weasely and Miss Granger I want you to demonstrate... come along now!" He ordered them towards the large cauldron in the middle of the classroom. "The table nearby has all the ingredients you require, I trust you will read your potion books thoroughly..." Snape crossed his arms and watched them get to work. Ron was squeezing the flobberworms to extract their mucus, Hermione added the salamander's blood and stirred till the potion turned red and Harry was plucking some spines from a dried lionfish. Next they added horklump juice, 3 billywig stings and the flobberworm mucus. Finally the potion was sucessful. "Very good... for amateurs, Run along to the dungeons you 3, I need you replenish the ingredients you used up. Hurry up!" he explained, clearly not impressed with their hard work.

_I copied a few quotes from the movie for Snape..._

Harry, Ron and Hermione entered the dungeons, as soon as they arrived, the mysterious figure ambushed them and zapped the floor to pieces with a green curse, Harry, Ron and hermione plunged to their doom! "Oof! Who was that?" asked Ron, "I have no idea but now we'll have to go the long way round." groaned Harry. They were trapped in the lower floors of the dungeon. Harry's group entered a large chamber green with mold, there were floating platforms everywhere and an ominous door decorated to resemble a troll's face on the top floor. they started out exploring the lowest chambers which ran under the wells. as they explored they could hear a kitten mewling, "Aww it's that boy's kitten from earlier, now's our chance to help him!" Explained Hermione cooing the kitten. "Oh brother..." moaned Ron. They found the orange kitten hiding near some crates, Hermione stroked the kitten to show they meant no harm and it followed them till they found them selves at the bottom of the well near the herbology greenhouses. "Hullo down there! Have you seen my kitten?" asked the boy again, "Yes we've found her, I'm levitating her back up to you" answered Hermione. "Wingardium Leviosa!" the kitten floated up towards the light in a bubble, she mewled and cried along the way, eventually the boy caught her safetly in his arms. "Thanks, have this wizard card" he threw a wizard card down there. Next they found themselves in a troll's bedroom of to the left of the main chamber, they had to be quiet while taking the troll key as to not wake him. They managed to succeed and quickly and quietly made their escape.

Harry then climbed up the floating platforms, jumping from platform to platform. They then arrived in a chamber with a lake of sewage with cauldrons floating on top. "Eww! we'll have to use them to get across." groaned Harry holding his nose. with some difficulty they passed that chamber. next was another large chamber with trolls, vents and pufferpods, Harry quickly dealt with them by making them sneeze again. finally the arrived in the chamber they needed to find, it was occupied by a jar of fireflies, "Fireflies? all that for blooming fireflies!" yelled Ron. "Come on lets get back to class, we're late as it is." said Harry. Snape took the fireflies and dismissed them to their next class. Next was defense against the dark arts with Quirrel. Seamus and Lee Jorden were debating where Quirrel got his turban from, Seamus believed he got it from an African prince after dealing with some zombies where as Lee was adamant a vampire gave it to him in Romania. Ron was having difficulty with the floating books chamber but managed to get to class on time. "G-g-g good afternoon class, I am P-p-p Professor Quirrel, and I'll be teaching you d-d-d-defense against the dark arts." He explained the verdimillious counter spell "The verdimillious spell can solidify platforms shrouded in darkness, Potter please demonstrate!" stuttered Quirrel. "Verdimillious!" cried Harry and the shadowy platforms in front of him solidified under the green light of the spell. "G-g-good! now hurry up Potter and jump to the doorway before the spell goes out!" Harry did so and entered the dungeon, luckily it was quiet small an was a replica of the floating book room, minus the books, instead it was dark and filled with illusionary platforms, he cast Verdimillious and the room lit up, the platforms were now solid so he could walk across them. He arrived at the book chamber and learnt its spell. "Tat tat tah!" he posed again. "No time to celebrate Harry, we need to get out of the dungeons now" explained Hermione, "So whats the problem then?" asked Harry. "Draco summoned some curses to block the way out, we'll have to find and destroy the mini curses to get rid of it." explained Ron pointing at the dungeon entrance doors, they were blocked by four floating eyeballs with different coloured irises. The eyes made giggling noises and knocked back any students trying to approach the door. "So we have to find the eye monsters?" said Harry. "Yep, lets hurry Harry, I'm starving!" they explored the dungeons, they were met with fire crabs, Harry zapped the creatures and made his way to the first eye, it could only be hurt when it was about to make a dash attack. Harry zapped it till it died. an eye vanished from the main doors. eventually Ron and Hermione found the remaining eyes and killed them, dispelling the curse.

Next they had lunch, unfortunately it was flobberworm fritters. "Eeugh why would anyone want to eat flobberworms?" moaned Ron. "Look guys Seamus is trying to turn his water into wine" said a Gryffindor boy, "He once managed to turn it into rum once before..." suddenly an explosion erupted from Seamus's seat, he was covered in soot again. After lunch was Transfiguration class it was on the upper floors. Argus Filch escorted the students to class, making sure none of them were tempted to enter the forbidden corridor. "Right you lot, off to class! No one is allowed in the forbidden section so stop asking silly questions!" growled Filch "I've got my eye on all of you and so has Mrs Norris!" his cat Mrs Norris hissed at the children as they entered class. Transfiguration was with Professor McGonagal, "Good afternoon class, today you'll be learning the Avifors charm, it turns statues such as this one into birds" she pointed at the scary looking eagle statue resting on a table. "Avifors!" she zapped the statue and it turned into a small bird and flew away, the table it was on floated up to the ceiling. "Now Harry, you demonstrate" Harry zapped his statue, it turned into a small bird as well. "Good, 10 points to Gryffindor" She instructed Harry to go and fetch the spell book for it, this meant more Zelda-esque dungeons. Harry found himself back in the main halls but now he could use Avifors on the statues weighing down the tables. he used the tables to enter the upper floor, making sure to avoid the forbidden corridor, it was pointless anyway as Filch was watching him. "I've got my eye on you Potter, your next route is up to the rafters no where else!" Harry entered a corridor leading to the rafters, suddenly Hedwig arrived, she was carrying a package for Him. "what have you got there Hedwig?" asked Harry taking the package, but before he could open it Peeves snatched it from him, "Why its potty wee Potter! Come on Potter you want this? come and get it!" giggled the ghostly jester. "Grrr!" growled Harry as he took off after the ghost, it lead him across the rafters, some where slippery with flobberworm mucus "whoa! slippery!" yelled Harry as he slid down the rafter on his backside. the passage ahead was blocked with cobwebs so he zapped them away, eventually Harry caught up with Peeves. "Fine have your package, it stinks anyway." muttered Peeves.

Harry opened the parcel it contained a strange cloak with an anonymous letter. "Dear Harry, your Father left this to you, use it well..." Harry tried on his Father's cloak, to his surprise it made him invisible "Cool! Invisible cloak!" _yes I'm aware he gets it a Christmas in the films, but I'm going by the video game. _Harry eventually found the book room, and learned the avifors spell. he posed again and headed back to class, after they were dismissed, it was the end of the day so they were free to do what they wanted, Hermione went to the library to do her homework, Harry and Ron went back to the common room, he wanted to show Ron his new cloak before dinner. "Look what my new cloak does!" chirped Harry as he put it on, "Cool! that's an invisibility cloak! they're extremely rare!" cooed Ron as he stared at Harry's still visible head. Harry took the cloak off and put it away. "Let's go see Hagrid!" asked Harry, "Sure!" replied Ron, they headed to Hagrid's hut, "Hullo you two! Where's Hermione?" asked Hagrid. "In the library studying..." said Ron rolling his eyes. "Well you can come in for a spot of tea, I hear young 'arry made the Quidditch team!" "oh shoot! I've got to see Oliver Wood after school for Quidditch practice, see ya Ron and Hagrid" spluttered Harry, "Run along now 'arry, don't be late!" smiled Hagrid.

Harry arrived at the Quidditch fields, Wood was waiting for him. "Just on time Harry, now help me with this chest please!" Harry helped Wood carry the chest. Oliver explained it contained the balls needed to play Quidditch, there was a Quaffle, the oddly shaped ball had pads to hold it, the Quaffle was thrown into the hoops either side of the pitch, these were guarded by a keeper. Next were the Bludgers, the balls had a life of their own so had to be chained into the box. Once Oliver released them he handed Harry a bat, a Bludger headed towards him at alarming speed but Harry whacked it with the club sending it away. "You'll make a good Beater Harry! But there's one more ball to show you" He took out a tiny little golden ball, it was no bigger than a ping pong ball. Suddenly it grew wings and flew around Harry and Oliver. "That's the Golden Snitch Harry, the seeker's job is to catch it, if they do they automatically win the game!" explained Wood. "Hmm I think I'd like to be the seeker!" said Harry "Good choice Harry, remember to meet me tomorrow the same time after classes." Harry headed back to the castle for dinner, then it was time to head back to their dormitories for bed.


	6. Catching up

_Catching up_  
><em>In this chapter I catch up with how the Simpsons and UBOs are doing, don't worry they crossover eventually. Meanwhile in Springfield...<em>  
>After buying Bart a new wand Marge returned Bart and Lisa to school the next day, there was a large crowd of angry parents who were concerned about Lord Montymort. "Ladies and Gentlemen, relax I can a sure you that the dark lord is dead! he is no more!" explained Principle Skinner, "Yes yes... Run along now folks, your kids are perfectly safe." added Chalmers. Satisfied the parents left their kids in Skinner's hands. As Bart and Lisa arrived at school they were cheered by their classmates "Wow it's Bart and Lisa! You guys were awesome" some of them cheered. Bart High fived his friends while Lisa blushed modestly. Soon class started, today they were learning to pull bunnies out of hats, each pupil was given a top hat and a TV was playing episodes of Leap frog Leap pad adventures, the class groaned as Casey the kitten kept saying abra kadabra over and over. "Ok, this is a little basic compared to frogs..." said Lisa annoyed but she decided to do the work anyway "Abra kadabra!" she chanted and a pair of floppy white ears poked out of her top hat, she pulled out a cute little white rabbit with a pink nose, "aww! how cute!" she smiled, "Excellent work Lisa, A+" said Mrs Krabappel, "Now you Bart..." "Abra kadabra!" chanted Bart and to his suprise and relive he got the same result, a cute white rabbit. "Amazing! For once you managed to successfully complete an assignment Bart, A+" Smiled Krabappel, "Cowabunga!" cheered Bart with a fist pump. "Don't be too pleased Bart, that assignment was way too easy even Ralph managed to ace it!" Muttered Lisa. "Hey! Show some encouragement!" moaned Bart.<p>

Next was potions, Professor Frink had been offered the job as potions master because he liked the potion making and the explosions and the turning people into frogs! "Good Morning class 'Glavin!' we will be making the stamina restoring potion 'gahoy!'" he explained while making Frink noises, "oh boy potions!" smirked Bart as remembered the time he covered the entire science lab with slime when he briefly attended a school for the gifted. They set to work, Ralph's blew up in his face covering him in soot, Lisa and Milhouse suceeded and received A's. Soon it was Bart's turn, "Bart be careful! Do you know what happens when you mix eye of newt with pixie dust?" 'Glavin'ed Professor Frink, "Uh yeah..." suddenly there was an explosion as the entire potion lab was covered in green slime, "Oh glavin! Class dismissed!" Sighed Frink. everyone groaned in disgust as they trudged slime through the corridors and were then hosed down by Groundskeeper Willie. "Happy now Bart?" muttered Lisa as she tried to wipe off the slime "Of course, look at me I'm mucky!" grinned Bart "Look out Lisa! I'm a slime monster!" he cackled before being hosed down.

_Meanwhile at UBOs we see how poor Verne is coping..._

"Ungh! nngh! Oscar this isn't funny!" moaned Verne has he continued to struggle in the slimey goo stretching from Clown Oscar's nose, eventually Cassie arrived "Hi Boy's have you meet the new kid- Oh I see you've been introduced..." she smiled weakly at the bizarre sight of a giant baby clown trying to pull Verne out of his nose. "Ungh Cassie Help us!" whined Verne, "Oh dear I should have explained..." She muttered to her self "Oscar, put them down now and turn back to normal!" she said in a authoritative tone, "Aww! no fair!" Oscar whined, he yanked Verne out of the snot and pulled Gus out of his diaper, Then he shrunk down to normal size. After turning back to normal Gus tried to lunge at him but Verne and Cassie held him back. "Let me at 'im! I'll kill him!" he growled, "No Gus! Let me explain!" said Cassie, he calmed down and they released him. "So whats to explain?" asked Gus. "Well as you may have already witnessed before I arrived, did you notice anything odd about Oscar's behaviour?" asked Cassie in return, "Yes, all of it." muttered Gus. "Thats because, well Oscar has autism! I came to tell you our job this semester is to look after him!" "You mean we have to look after a kid who's a bit doo-lally?" added Verne, "Verne show some respect!" hissed Cassie "Any way, our first job is to get him to the school nurse to take his Focusyn" (Bart's behavior medicine) "With out him turning into a clown or a giant baby clown..." added Gus. They all nodded in agreement as Oscar was petting Verne then he slapped him in a tick. Eventually the got Oscar to the nurse, who was going cuckoo now. "Oh you've just got him here on time! Come on Oscar take you tablets!" They had to fight with Oscar to make him take them but eventually he swallowed the tablets. "Oh jeez, did I go cuckoo again?" asked Oscar "Yeah Sorry mate, if Cassie hadn't explained I would have slugged you for stuffing me in your diaper." shrugged Gus. "I did what?" gasped Oscar, "He doesn't remember when he goes off..." whispered Cassie.

Next was another adventure with UBOs, The gang found themselves in a wasteland and were greeted by none other then Zarlak himself! "So, it seems my minions couldn't deal with a couple of brats! I'll have to deal with you myself!" growled Zarlak, "Uh I'm new here, who are you mister..." asked Oscar, "SILENCE! I am Zarlak the most powerful sorcerer in the world!" He bellowed dramatically with lightning raging in the background. "Yeah, good luck trying to escape from your eternal imprisonment Zarlak!" Growled Verne as his friends and he brandished their wands. "You brats are no match for me!" he sent a deadly blast of green evil magic at them, which they dodged on instinct. the gang tried to counterattack but he was too powerful and just shrugged of their spells. "He's too powerful! Back in the portal kids!" The gang made a hasty retreat. "Gee what's his problem?" muttered Oscar "It's a long story..." Explained Cassie.

_Meanwhile in Springfield..._

After being hosed down, Bart and Lisa headed for recess. After break it was flying lessons, Bart didn't like the brooms, "flying skateboards would be awesome!" he wondered out loud, "Well ye'll have to make do with brooms! ya wee beggars!" Said Willie. The class mounted their brooms and on Willies instructions took off and practiced some flying maneuvers. After that was wizard duels, Bart was partnered with Nelson, "Haw Haw! Your dead meat Simpson!" Nelson Taunted, "Eat my Shorts!" retaliated Bart. they bowed and the duels began. "Undergarments Yoinkus!" Yelled Nelson, His wand cast the wedgie hex. Bart was suddenly yanked into the air by his tighty whitey briefs and yo-yoed up and down before being dumped on the floor, before he could recover his briefs were pulled over his head. "ungh! Dagnabbit! Prank be undone, Destroy the evil one!" Bart used his signature spell, it zapped Nelson with green lightning, "Ow! You'll regret that Simpson!" Growled Nelson "Mucus Pukeus!" Suddenly Bart Got the sniffles from Nelson's hex, he sneezed wetly "Aaaachoooo!" then two fetid streams of green snot oozed from his nose. "Eewww! Gross!" he whined, the snot dripped all over the floor and oozed together in a large puddle, then it morphed and pulled itself together forming a simple blob like body and rudimentary arms and legs. the bogey creature that emerged had a big bulbous nose and a simple quiff of slime for 'hair'. "Oh yuck! A bogey monster!" cried Bart, it grabbed Bart in a head lock and gave him a noogie. "Nnngh! gross!" whined Bart. then it let him go and shoved its hands into the ground with a splat. Bart gasped in surprise and winced in disgust as his feet sunk into the slime that formed under him, it slurped and glooped as he sunk deeper. "Yuck Sinking slime!" cried Bart. "Hocus Rope-us!" he summoned a lasso and pulled himself from the quagmire, he then used the cleaning charm to clean away the slime monster. "Cowabunga!" he yelled a battle cry not expecting it to do anything but it unleashed a red fiery spell that blasted into Nelson and knocked him of his feet. Nelson was knocked out and lost the duel. "Wow! That was amazing Bart!" Cheered Lisa, "Totally radical Bart" Said Milhouse. "Wow I didn't know cowabunga was a spell. And Milhouse never say radical again..." answered Bart puzzled by his wand responding to his battle cries.

soon it was lunch break and Bart up to his usual antics caused a food fight, a magic one of course. "That's it, Simpson detention after classes!" Bellowed Skinner. of course after double transfiguration Bart stayed behind to write lines on the blackboard, "oh how familiar! Well my flat dusty pal, lets see you handle magic!" he used magic to make the chalk write itself but then the board rubbers whacked him around the head. "Nice try Simpson, now do it the muggle way." said Skinner dryly. Bart muttered and started writing on the blackboard until he was dismissed.

_At Hogwarts..._

Soon it approached Halloween, the hall had been decorated with Pumpkins and the food had been given a Halloween touch, as Harry observed the plate of spiderweb decorated cauldron cakes on his house's table. that evening Dumbledore had an announcement, "Good evening everyone, and a happy Halloween to our students. As you know each year on Halloween the Triwizard cup begins! Of course since such a tournament is dangerous, only 4th years and above are permitted and I've placed an age line charm to prevent any shenanigans!" He eyed Fred and George. "Now to welcome our guests randomly chosen from around the world, Principle Skinner of Springfield Elementary" Principle Skinner stood up and called in his pupils, a crowd of yellow skinned cartoony children walked in to the national anthem of America. "Why are they yellow?" whispered Ron. "Thank you Skinner, Springfield you may join any of the four house tables." the pupils scattered and took the free seats that had been added. "Next, Miss Crystalgazer of Vonderland" Miss Crystalgazer stood up and called in her students, The Vonderland students walked in and casted magic fireworks while the Canadian nation anthem played. They to were dismissed and were free to join what table they wanted. "Now lets enjoy the feast, the contestants will be picked out later." Verne and Bart Boisterously sat side by side near Harry, and Lisa and Cassie joined Hermione and finally Gus joined Ron. Milhouse was chatting to Neville and the Vampire twins Lucretia and Borgia joined Draco and his cronies Crabbe and Goyle. "Hi Dude, Get up to any pranks?" Smirked Bart, "Uh no, if you're here to prank ask Fred and George, Ron's Twin Brothers" Answered Harry disinterested. "Hey You're Harry Potter, Have you got that scar?" asked Verne. "Verne! I don't think he wants to show off his scar, don't ask such personal questions!" Hissed Cassie. "It's alright I don't mind! Here it is!" he pulled back his fringe and showed the lightning bolt scar on his forehead. "Cool!" Said Verne in awe. "Gahdsfosdopf!" Oscar was babbling again and needed his Focusyn. "Oh guys, Oscar's acting odd again! did you bring his Focusyn?" "I have some, used to have to take it before it made me paranoid" said Bart handing over some of his behavior medicine. "Uh Bart I think that's expired... I'll ask the school nurse" Gus took Oscar with him to see Madame Pomfrey, "Certainly, A little Hyperactive are we?" she smiled at Oscar "Uh no, he has behaviour difficulties..." He whispered to her.

"Hey your pretty famous to Bart!" said Harry, "I am?" asked Bart puzzled. "Yeah your family has that TV Programme..." Hermione nudged him "Nix ay on the TV Programme! You'll make his head explode..." she whispered harshly. "Whats she talking about, eh never mind Bart's happy to have a fan base." smiled Bart. Meanwhile Lisa and Hermione had a friendly rivalry over who had the better grades, "oh Lisa, you really need to move up a year or two, that class is holding you back dear!" "But I like being a big fish in a small pond, I've made friends there!" explained Lisa. Ron Introduced Bart to his Brother's Fred and George. "Here are Fred and George, master tricksters and owners of Wizard Wheezes, in the Gryffindor boy's toilets." "Hey Bart, so you like to prank to, you'll have lots of fun at Wizard Wheezes!" Fred and George introduced themselves, "Oh please, I'm not an amateur! I'll show you boys How we prank USA style!" Snickered Bart, he was wearing a joy buzzer when he shook their hands. "Ow! Nice one Bart!" giggled Fred as he recovered from the shock. The new friends chattered amongst themselves all night.


End file.
